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| Te amo |
Despite the physical distance between us, I have always felt very close to my grandpa. Wrapping my head around him being gone is not easy, and even talking about it has proven to be almost impossible. Other than my blog (which has a whopping 11 followers) I've only mentioned it to Brady and two of my friends. I feel like telling people will cheapen his memory somehow, by making it about me and my pain rather than him and his life. Maybe I'm just not ready. I'm so grateful to Brady for being here for me. I've never let anyone see me so stripped down and vulnerable, I've always kept others away until I was more in control of my emotions. This time I let him see me at my worst, and in turn he showed me his best.
My thoughts of the future are what bring me down the most. I've always hoped that when I had a family of my own they would know my relatives on my dad's side. I want my kids to know the people who I love, and for the people who I love to see how my life unfolds. It's frustrating and upsetting to think that my grandpa will not be here to share in that. My heart feels so raw.
I'm lucky that I know I took every opportunity to see my grandparents, regardless of lack of money, class and work schedules, or the little parts of life that seem to get in the way. I flew down to see them every time they were in the States, and made an effort to visit them in El Salvador every time I could. Because of this I have spent many weeks at a time with my grandpa. I have so many memories of dancing in the kitchen, drinking wine and telling stories, stuffing ourselves with crawfish, playing poker, and the hugs, kisses, and love that we shared. He was a wonderful man and I miss him a lot. I hope my experiences with him will inspire you to spend time with your family as often as possible. No excuses.
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And the beat goes on
Just like my love everlasting
And the beat goes on
Moving strong on and on
I know exactly how you feel. Trust me. Every day will get easier...eventually. You are right - the beat does go on. It isn't always going to be the same upbeat beat, but it will be there.
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I've been thinking about you lately. I know that every day is a struggle. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you had a wonderful, loving relationship with him. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I love you Car, hang in there darling.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your family's loss Carly. I lost both my grandpa's and somehow it doesn't get easier. I am so glad you took the time to go out there recently, I know that it was the best decision.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find your way back to 'normal' soon enough, but there is no rush.
Thinking of you sweetie, Alissa
I'm so sorry you're hurting. Talking about it doesn't cheapen it, it immortalizes it so you can go back and review when things aren't so raw and new. I lost my Grandpa a month before my wedding. I was sad of course, but this year will be the first time I visit without him there. I know it's going to be hard. I was just telling my brother in law how happy it made me that he visited my grandparents while he was Europe because no one but my immediate family ever gets to see that side of my life and the memories, but he got to. And my Husband finally gets to. Although sadly without my Papa Jacky. Hang in there, but don't rush it. Pretty soon tears will be replaced with smiles.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I'm just now getting to read this post. It was so sweet for you to put it out there, and I am very sorry for your loss. Like Alissa said, both of our Grandfather's have passed and it's hard to accept. But you are very fortunate to have been so close with him! Those are wonderful memories that you will be able to share with your family one day. Love you!
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